WTF!? Why SHOULD it be any different?

Sometimes I frustrate the hell out of me. My optomism/pessimism meter fluctuates like a bipolar metronome. AUGH!!!!

My last post was this namby-pamby little "ain't life grand" solo. And I believed it and I still do...in theory.

But here I am (the day before the first day back to work after my summer holidays) all worried, paranoid and sad. ...WTF?

Why can't I just grow up?
Why the hell should my workplace be full of people with *nice* personalities like the Brady family members?

Tommorrow I go back and I see these people instead:
1.asinine backstabber with influence in high places
2.steel-rod-up-the-butt politically-correct self-promoter
3.lilly livered administrator
4.nasty spirited gossiper who secretly gives gifts to the bosses
5.narcissistic & perverted cleavage chaser
6.thief & sneek-arounder
7.the liar boss
8.the nice-to-you one minute / rip-your-throat-out the next minute boss

But, you know, for all these f*cked up people at work there are many wonderful people who are a pleasure to be around too. So back to my initial question: Why do I expect anything different from the above line-up of 8 Jackasses?

As my wise old retired Uncle Arnold once said: "Oh, so you have problems with people during the day? Hmmm, it must mean you're working"

I blame my pollyanna expectations on how we culturally raise children.

We are constantly telling them to "get along" and to "make nice" We are all continuously instructed to strive for the unattainable - harmony.

Maybe I'm too damn observant, or maybe things just hurt more deeply than they should, or maybe my memory is too long.

I have to forgive. See the beauty in every one of them not just the ones who are kind to me. Yeah thats it. I can try.

And Lord, won't you please send an Angel to soothe my heart tonight, and allow me to sleep because I think that buried inside all the sarcastic accusations about those Jackasses at work is a childlike fear that they will hurt me.

I guess I'm tired of being afraid.
Amen and Goodnight.

What a month

I've been spending a lot of time living authentically. What? I said I've been spending a lot...yeah, yeah yeah.... What I mean is that I have, at forty sumthin' years of age, been rediscovering who I am - sounds flaky eh? I know, I know, but its not flaky, its wonderful.

I have grown-up, I am no longer looking to the approval of a partner for confirmation that what I just said or did was "ok". I can make decisions about little things like how to juggle visits with 5 friends and loved ones over the course of 2 days along with helping an elderly parent out with household tasks and also with maintaining correspondance with the man I love. I can do it all! And I can do a lot more too.

Actually, I always could run my own life, I just didn't know it.

I make mistakes too, always did, but I forgive myself now, and I have a real belief that my family (and that "man" I speak of) love me no matter what, and that they don't judge me based on mistakes.

I love my life. Thank you God.