Why ?

Today he tricked me, mocked me, humiliated me and shamed me in front of his father.
Why am I affected so deeply by his actions? damn it!


We married,
but he never looked in my eyes and told me he loved me. Instead it seemed like he was completing a necessary task.



I gave him children. He never cried tears of joy at their birth, never commented on their beauty - their wonder. Instead he seemed unmoved.

He never gave me his trust, never became vulnerable with me, never allowed me to hold his heart

He scolded me when I began to ponder life's big questions: "yeah, lets worry about that" he would say.

He mocked me when I spoke of God, Jesus, spiritual connectedness. He said that Jesus was a "cu_ _" . I was apalled.

After puddles and oceans of tears, decades of disappointments, and a tiny handful of personal realizations. I asked him to leave. We have been apart for 3 years.

So why why why am I STILL hurt and shaken when he lies, behaves unfairly toward the children, and disrespectfully toward me?


why
why
why would I ever think there would be anything different inside of him?

Am I crying for myself or
for the children?

for what could have been but was not?

or am I just a girl who misses her father?


"Daddy, he wasn't the man you thought he was"

Why do I still want to protect him though? Why do I still think of him, ache for him when he was that lonely boy back in high school.
How can I still feel for him when he has
abandoned me
and wounded me so deeply?

I don't know.
I want to know.

Knowing would make some sense of the nonsense that drives me insane I think.

Its so very much easier to blame myself...............
- less thinking
- less anger
- less complicated.

Maybe the answer is the children.
They are such wonderful blessings. Gifts from God.

I want to be loveable.


I remain hopeful.

20 years and counting.

I really don't get it at all.