Loneliness and the Lifeline:

During the years of my early spiritual awakening (see prior blogs) I existed in an incredibly lonely marriage. It was through this despair, I believe, that God reached me.

I didn't know how to handle my sullen, brooding husband who rarely looked in my eyes unless he was talking about himself, his-day, his-stuff. He spent hours working on the computer and doing cross-word puzzles. ...solitary activities. I couldn't get inside, he never opened the door.

I assumed the problem was with me. I tried harder.

It was near the end of our first year of marriage that I noticed that he "tolerated" hugs, and didn't return them. I told him that I was dying inside, that I needed to be hugged and looked in the eye, I needed these things like he needed food and water. He looked at me as if I just spoke Greek.

I assumed that the problem was with me. I tried harder.

By our second year of marriage, I was instructed to dress more sexy at home at the end of the work-day: Sweatshirts and track-pants were a "turn off" he said. "and don't wear that outfit my mother gave you, its a real turn-off too".

Years later, I learned that I was "too heavy" to be a "turn-on". We rarely had sex and when we did, he would lie-back and cover his face.

I assumed that the problem was with me. I tried harder.

If we did something together it was on his terms: Fishing, hunting, snowshoeing, for example. In hindsight I see that these are things that allow people to be side by side but it relieves them of the need for intimacy. I worked very hard at convincing myself that I really enjoyed these manly activities. I wanted to DO things with him and I thought that maybe through these activities, he would share his heart with me and let me inside.

I assumed that the problem was with me. I tried harder.

Meanwhile:
I was introduced to a Christian woman named Joy. Initially,
I told her that I wanted advice on how to help one of my
clients (see Goth-girl from blog#2) but eventually, after about
4 visits to her home, I let her know that I too wanted to know
more about Jesus and faith. We had several visits at her home
over tea. I first considered "God just might have unconditional
love for me", in Joy's kitchen. My novice prayers of thanks
started to change, and Joy showed me how.

Although I was still hopeful about my marriage, (because there were still some good-times) I just could not understand his emotional isolation. Never-the-less, I tried harder.

I overcompensated for his sullen brooding by being extra cheery. I distracted my family from noticing his sullen brooding and social isolation by saying that he was tired from work and by telling stories about something he said or did that would place him in their favour. It became very very exhausting to always be Chuckles the Clown.

In addition to the despair in my marriage, a colleage at work had become very nasty toward me and others. Work was not a positive place to be. -Now that refuge was gone.

I started to go for walks alone over my lunch hour to
clear my head and get on track, to pray too. Sometimes
I would listen to a Gospel Music CD that a student had
loaned to me. I found it comforting and it drew me toward
a peacefulness that I longed for. In my head I still
questioned whether or not this God-stuff was just smoke and
mirrors. I definately was not ready tell my family about what
I was doing, however, it sure did soothe me. I felt that the
peace that I experieced when I prayed, met with Joy, or listened
to the gospel tapes could be my own secret for now. I was still
being affected by my own, my family's, and my husband's belief- system that defined people of faith as weak individuals who needed
a crutch. If I told anyone at this point, I might feel silly
or weak or stupid. I might lose them.

He did less and less over the years in terms of home-upkeep and attention to bills. We had our gas turned off once because of ignored bills and our taxes were always years late. He was spending money unneccesarily and our line of credit was out of control, he became more and more isolated from me. He seemed to resent me, became increasingly critical, and yet wanted sex more often. (I had started running and my body was quite trim.) I was terribly, terribly, confused - I couldn't see any love, any intimacy in it at all.

Socially with colleagues and friends, however, he was a great guy. Whenever we had friends over he would run around and make the meal, and tend to the children. He would often buy, make, or give things to our neighbours, or he would do kind things for them.

I assumed the problem was with me. I wanted to try harder but I had no where to go that I hadn't already been: Kindness, sincere dialogue, tears, requesting marriage counselling, etc etc..........nothing worked, he would not engage in a process.

I started attending a church. I told him that I went because
the people were nice and the music was good and the church
daycare gave me a little break from the kids. (still not
ready to talk about my blossoming faith) He was not ok with
it. I was drawn however, to the fellowship and to worship.